Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Half Way

 Last year I turned 50.  I always thought that used to be half way.  But really and truly, people don't generally live to be 100 as a rule.
 Reaching this significant marker in my life, it got me thinking fairly seriously.  I have made some big decisions in the last couple of years. Looking back now some time has passed, I can see that they needed to be made, but the timing had to be right.  I'd been trapped in my own lunch box - hiding from the reality of desperate situations and finding it hard to breathe.  In order to keep the momentum of life going, I often behaved in a manic way, and sewed continuously, in my room, blocking the light of the world . . . of my world.
 I made beautiful quilts, a beautiful garden, and lived for the beauty of new wonders each day in the garden.  It is a sanctuary for me out there - just wandering and wondering, and sometimes not even thinking at all but just keeping so busy that I didn't have to face the harshness of my reality.
Almost 2 years ago, I separated and divorced my husband of 21 years.  Someone once said to me:
"what you want at 26 is not necessarily what you want at 46"
I have broken the family that I helped create and in so doing have broken my children's hearts.
It was a very hard decision to make - but I believe it was the right one.
I felt my life was over - I was going through the motions -
Figuring that I am actually past half way, I decided that I needed to be happy.  I decided I deserved love in my life. I decided that I could use a break from living constantly on the edge, watching my words and following rules.
I made a choice.
I still love my children.
I am still their mum.
I will always be their mum.
I am a stronger person now, but every now and then I feel helpless and have some bad days.  This week those days have found me.
I've spent most of the day . . . in my garden
 

19 comments:

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

A garden is a place of tranquility, our minds can rest, our hearts can find solace.

I'm about to become a member of our local botanical society so that I can go any time I feel like it, for cheaper than even a sr. can get in. :-) It is so peaceful there and there is so much to see and there are restful places to sit and enjoy.

May you find peace and joy in each new day.

Love & hugs to you dear Annie ~ FlowerLady

Susan said...

Thanks for your post Annie. I think it's something we all go through at different times, and we all try to find a way that works........and what works isn't always the easiest thing. Use your garden, your family and your sewing to keep you going, and I'm sure you'll come out the other side. X

Kate said...

Such big and difficult decisions, I'm glad you are through the other side and hope there are fewer bad days and hope you are free to be you.

Anonymous said...

Take care Annie.

Chookyblue...... said...

Hang in there my friend...... Wished I was closer to give you a big hug......

thornberry said...

Annie, I think you are an amazing woman. You do deserve love. And you have had the courage to make big decisions. I am so glad that you can see they were the right ones, even though there are still and there will always be tough days. Take care xxx

Jan said...

Was going to ring you yesterday, Annie - wish I had. You've been, and continue to be, very brave. I wish you joy and love, my dear friend - and a peaceful heart.xx

blandina said...

Very similar to my own story, but I was 56 when I decided to leave my husband. i asked myself: how much time do I have left and how do I want to live the rest of my life? It is now nearly 7 years from that day. Some days are very good, some are not, I feel lonely. So I understand what you have been through and what are your feelings now. Thank you for this extremely honest post and for opening your heart.

Bloom said...

Dear Annie, so much of what you say in this post resonates with me. How I wish I lived closer so that we could have wandered and wondered together in the garden when life was tough for you. Thank you for being so honest and revealing such raw and personal truths. You are very brave. All good health and happiness to you for your next 50 years. I look forward to travelling it with you, albeit from hundreds of kilometres away! Love to you, Ros x

Sue said...

Oh Annie, big hugs from me mate. I have a child giving me hell too for messing up his year, he hates me big time. It's no fun to be on the receiving end of an angry child who is hurt and not expressing themselves well. You have given for years my friend its your time too, your important also. I am glad you have been true to yourself. My mean child is in your class feel free to give him hell!!

Anonymous said...

Let me share your bad days and your joyous ones.There will be more of the latter as the years go by. I love you

Frog Quilter said...

You description sounds exactly like my second marriage of 15 years. That was in 1996 and I have never looked back. The children will eventually mature and loose that anger they have. Hang in there, it's all worth it!

Karen said...

Annie I hope you are now able to share the laughter and light of you with the world a little more. You have acted courageously and deserve happiness and love and I am sure in time your family will come to see that this is so.

Nikki said...

You absolutely deserve love as well as beauty in your life, lovely lady. I've been thinking of you lately and hope we can catch up for that cuppa and chat we were going to have about two years ago...

May the good days outnumber the bad. xxxx

Elaine/Muddling Through said...

Annie, I am so sorry. Change is always hard, no matter how necessary. I really hope you find the joy of living again. Fabric and flowers are great, but there IS more. I pray you find it. Lots of love and hugs to you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Annie was great to hear your voice tonight and a big hug to you love mnva

Quiltedtime said...

Good for you that followed your heart and did what is best for you. Most women don't, then eventually become bitter, angry, and defeated. The change is difficult in the beginning, but things do get better. Your creativity will become a welcome source of strength and solace.

Anonymous said...

go girl.. you're worth it.. XF

Jenny said...

Dear Annie I have just caught up with your news after so long. Big hugs to you and good on you for looking after you no matter how hard it is xx