Half Way

 Last year I turned 50.  I always thought that used to be half way.  But really and truly, people don't generally live to be 100 as a rule.

 Reaching this significant marker in my life, it got me thinking fairly seriously.  I have made some big decisions in the last couple of years. Looking back now some time has passed, I can see that they needed to be made, but the timing had to be right.  I'd been trapped in my own lunch box - hiding from the reality of desperate situations and finding it hard to breathe.  In order to keep the momentum of life going, I often behaved in a manic way, and sewed continuously, in my room, blocking the light of the world . . . of my world.

 I made beautiful quilts, a beautiful garden, and lived for the beauty of new wonders each day in the garden.  It is a sanctuary for me out there - just wandering and wondering, and sometimes not even thinking at all but just keeping so busy that I didn't have to face the harshness of my reality.

Almost 2 years ago, I separated and divorced my husband of 21 years.  Someone once said to me:

"what you want at 26 is not necessarily what you want at 46"

I have broken the family that I helped create and in so doing have broken my children's hearts.

It was a very hard decision to make - but I believe it was the right one.

I felt my life was over - I was going through the motions -

Figuring that I am actually past half way, I decided that I needed to be happy.  I decided I deserved love in my life. I decided that I could use a break from living constantly on the edge, watching my words and following rules.

I made a choice.

I still love my children.

I am still their mum.

I will always be their mum.

I am a stronger person now, but every now and then I feel helpless and have some bad days.  This week those days have found me.

I've spent most of the day . . . in my garden